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I’ve been asked this question a lot recently: “How do I talk to my adoptive parents about looking for my birth parents?”

Obviously this is a sensitive subject and I do my best to give advice based on my experiences. Keep in mind, I never had this talk with my parents. Even though I wasn’t proactive about this, at the time there are things I did that really helped.

1) Treat them the same –  This is probably the easiest thing to do and the most imporant. I think that adoptive parents’ biggest fear is that they are going to lose you; that by finding your birth family, you are going to stop being part of their lives. Everyone who has asked me this question was really aware of this and didn’t want to hurt their adoptive parents. I think by doing the same things as you always do with your adoptive parents they can get over their fear and realize you aren’t going anywhere.

2) Include them – Some parents are more open about this than others, but the more they are a part of the search the easier it might be to deal with. I think a big part of my family getting over its fears was that they went with me and met this new family. As time went on, my adoptive parents got to know them more and it was a lot easier for them.

I also wanted to say something to the adoptive parents out there.

Try to understand this is not about you as parents. You are so important to your adopted child and they don’t want to hurt you. As an adoptee, looking for your birth parents is part of figuring out who you are as a person. I think it’s human nature to resolve unanswered questions, such as where did I come from?

Good luck with your search and if there is anything I can do, or if you have other questions, please feel free to contact me. dewittn@anasmiracle.com