Stuck between worlds, hoping I never have to choose.

It’s my last night in Panama. My birth father and I are sitting at the dining room table eating dinner. My stepmother and sister are away, so it’s just us. As we finish, he looks at me and asks:

“So, are you Nelson or Roberto?”

I pause for a second before replying “Both.”

I don’t think I’ve always felt this way. When I first found out my birth name was Roberto, I wasn’t sure if I liked it.

“I don’t feel like a Roberto.” I would say to myself.

Over the years, as I grew closer to my family in Central America, the name grew on me as well. It even got to the point where I would secretly cringe when family in Central America called me by my American name. In this place I was Roberto.

Of course, the reverse was true in the US. There I could not be anyone other than Nelson. Occasionally when I told friends my birth name was Roberto, they would proclaim that they would start calling me that. To this day no one who has met me as Nelson has been able to call me Roberto. Even my Spanish speaking friends can’t make the transition.

Somewhere over the years I absorbed this other identity. I never changed who I was but I allowed this other world to become a part of me. Now, many years later, the two lives and worlds pull me in different directions.

So now what to do? Now that I have these two identities and two lives what do I do with them? I feel like the world wants me to pick.

“You can’t be both you have to choose one.”

I think somewhere deep down inside I am afraid that picking one of these lives means giving up the other.

From time to time my birth father asks when I am going to “settle down.” When I am going to get a job that is going to give me a stable base. I hesitate to tell him that I would not see him as much.

When I finished college, I worked a job that only gave me two weeks of vacation. Sure it provided security, but I sacrificed this whole other part of my life.

Of course, he has his own ideas. He would love for me to live there and work in the family business. Unfortunately, staying in Panama is an equally tough decision. I’ve realized many of the activities that I love are a lot easier to come by in the US. There is also the honest truth that there are more opportunities in the US than Panama.

I try to explain this to my father. I tell him how no matter where I go I’m always missing someone and the only solution I see is to always be traveling. I’m not sure if he understands. How can he? This is his world. There is no other life waiting for him in some far away land.

So here I am stuck. Stuck between worlds. Stuck between lives. One foot in US the other in Central America. One day I may have to choose but I hope, with all my heart, I never have to.

Growing Up Without Culture

A couple weeks ago I was talking to some students in a college class. I asked them to guess what my background was. One girl raised her hand and said “Latino.” Then I asked the group to guess again, but this time I told them to base their answer on the way I dressed and talked. Someone else raised his hand and said “white.”

I then asked: “So what am I?”

While I was raised in a white middle class household, I’m not white. While I may have grown up in “white america,” I don’t necessarily feel like that defines me. When people look at me they see I’m Latino. I’ve even gotten extra questioning at airports. I’m sure my appearance had something to do with it. At the same time, other Latinos would call me gringo (white American) because I couldn’t speak Spanish. Their message was clear; you may look like us, but you are not like us. This left me feeling like an outsider to both cultural groups. I used to struggle with it a lot. I tried to figure how I could change myself to fit into one these groups.

What I eventually realized was that I had no culture. I know it’s impossible not to have any culture, but I couldn’t clearly define what mine was.

I know I’m American, but I don’t completely identify with Americans. Growing up there was a strong German influence in my house. At Christmas we would have German cookies and we often said a German grace at dinner. I was even fluent in German at one point. However, as I spent more time in Central America, that culture became a part of me as well. I started to like the music and learned how to dance. I learned the different sayings and copied the way they dressed.

All of these experiences gave me the freedom to enjoy other cultures. Experiencing other cultures meant being an outsider to the group. Since I grew up constantly feeling like an outsider I’m not scared to be only person in the room of a different race or background. I’ve learned how to blend in and mimic the people around me.

I feel like people are too often defined by their culture. Are you in the group or not? Since I’m always an outsider I no longer worry about fitting in; I can experience new ideas or cultures and let them them become a part of me.

A Conversation About Race and Adoption with Kevin Hofmann

Last night I had the pleasure of interviewing Kevin Hofmann about his experiences growing up in a multicultural household. We talked about race, identity, and cultural expectations. It was a great discussion and we really hope you enjoy it as well.

Don’t see the video?

I’m working hard to makes great interviews with interesting people involved with our story. Please let me know what you thought of the interview in the comments, or by emailing dewittn@anasmiracle.com.

By the way, this our 100th post! I don’t know how significant that is, if at all, but either way it’s a milestone. 🙂

Live Tonight: Race and Adoption with Kevin Hofmann

I just wanted to remind everyone that tonight at 7pm EST I will be interviewing Kevin Hofmann about his book and experiences growing up in a mixed race household.

Kevin Hofmann is the biracial son of a white mother and black father. Kevin was immediately placed in a foster home and adopted by a white Lutheran minister, his white wife and their three white children. Rising from these struggles is an inspiring story of a transracial family who grew up and survived in one of the most racially volatile cities in America. Now married with two sons of his own, he hopes to help encourage transracial families by sharing his experiences through humor and naked honesty. You can read more from Kevin at My Mind on Paper, his blog.
We hope you can join us tonight on our Facebook Fan Page. http://bit.ly/AnasMiracleLive

Save the Date, June 29th 7pm EST: Discussion on Race and Adoption

A quick update today about our next event.

On Tuesday June 29th, Ana’s Miracle will be hosting a discussion on our Facebook Fan Page about interracial adoption and cultural expectations. We will be talking about growing up in a household of mixed cultures and tackling issues of identity. Joining us will be special guest Kevin Hofmann, author of Growing Up Black in White.

For more details and to RSVP go the our Facebook event or, in case you’re not on Facebook, our Eventbrite event.

Video From My Interview With My Parents About My Adoption: Enjoy!

On Sunday I interviewed my parents about what they went through to adopt me. They shared how they were just beginning the adoption process when a mysterious phone call changed their lives forever.

Please feel free to leave questions or comments. We have already received a few and we will do our best to answer all of them!