Author Archives: Eva Coto

About Eva Coto

Eva is the only daughter of Ana Milagro. She grew up in Central America, living with her grandmother, not knowing the where abouts of her younger brother Nelson/Roberto. Eva peridoically shares her thoughts and experiences on the blog.

The men of my life and the baby girl of my heart – by Eva

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There are three men that share my heart, and one beautiful baby girl that has a half.

One of the men is so quiet, nice and caring boy. I remember I loved him and took care of him like a treasure. I still keep in my mind the days we used to walk hanging hands, how small and nice he was. I saw him grow up, becoming an incredible boy. His heart is one of the biggest in the earth, and he’s got a shine that never fades away. Even though his life was hard, he is now a wonderful man, and I gotta say I still love him as the first day I met him, and I am so proud of what he has accomplished though all these years. He’s been so smart at business. He gives his best in every single project. He hasn’t made to many friends, but everyone who knows him loves him as well.

The other men I never saw him grow up, but the day I met him it was a gift from God. Part of my life was returned to me and I feel now I am complete. After missing him for so long he came to me as a wonderful boy. It was incredible to get along as if we spent the whole life together. No one else understands me so well, no one else knows me as he does. He is so smart, so good. If you look into his eyes you can see how much love he has to give, and when he can, he does not hesitate. So friendly, so nice, he is quite a gentlemen. Everybody loves him since he is not selfish and wants to help any time he can. A Wonderful friend, he is loyal, and always cares about others. He’s been always special because God give him a heart that never learned to hate.

The third man is the youngest. He was so small when I met him, so quite and shy, but he couldn’t help it and now he is one of the three men that drives me crazy and owns my heart. He was the perfect company for Roberto for so many years. There are so close and always support to each other. God gave Roberto someone to share childhood, because God knew it is not good to grow up alone. He is crazy about turtles, and no one can tell why is this, but after meeting one of them in person now I understand his fascination about this wonderful animal. Nowadays he is a handsome boy, a lot more talkative now and his quote for me is: “Be adventurous!”

The baby girl that is left keeps the half of my heart. Maybe she does not know what I feel about her, but the day I saw her for the first time I was really happy. I met a cute baby and immediately she opened her arms to me. She couldn’t walk and I remember her first step. She was my baby, I remember changing her pampers and giving her a bath. I remember her mom dressing her like a princess, and a princess she was. She was a really happy child, always hugging and expressing her feelings, her heart is huge and she has a lot of love to share. She is a young lady and the nicest girl I’ve ever met. She is my love, my treasure. She means a lot to me. I wish I could give her more love and time but unfortunately it couldn’t be. Even though I know she loves me and admires me, but what she doesn’t know is that I admire her the most.

And in these few words there they are. Those are my siblings. Each of them are different, but are so a like at the same time. Not every day I can say that but by having them my life is complete. No matter the distance they truly own my heart…

Me and my siblingsMe and My SiblingsMe and My Siblings

The meaning of family – by Eva

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It was late at night. It seemed that every Christmas flight was delayed on this day. It was the longest waiting I’ve ever had. We didn’t talk too much, we were just there waiting. Time passed and we just looked at each other trying to guess what was going on through each other’s mind.

Suddenly a bunch of people come to the exit door and there he comes … Oh my God! That’s him, that’s Roberto! We don’t need any DNA test in our hands to know its him, he is an exact copy of my father standing there! We didn’t know what to do but go over him and hug him. All of us wanted to hug him and touch him, maybe to see if it was truly happening… I remember my grandma’s face, she wanted to cry but she was trying so hard not to.

After all the hugs and kisses, I looked back and they were there. It was his family. It is his father, his mother and little brother. There were like the definition of family. They were there right behind him supporting him but so stumped. I don’t know what would they were thinking at that moment. I can’t imagine the overwhelming feeling they could have been experiencing then but they were so brave. They just were standing there and letting him to reunite with his family and I mean, they are his family… I believe they may be thinking: “we are going to lose him!”

What a difficult decision to make: keep him with them by not saying a word about his family, or let him to get together with his family with the risk to lose him. Myself I don’t know what I would do being in their place.

Today I wonder: How is that you can become family to people you’ve never met? How is that you can also love these people since the very beginning? How is that you get to know them just to look into their eyes? Would it be because all of this was meant to be? What a perfect plan since everything fits since the beginning even if it didn’t look like. God knew how to make it work. He knew the perfect family for him so he would never be alone. God gave him three amazing people that really loved him, cared about him and raised him as the wonderful guy he is. We love them just knowing they took care of him as their own, but then we got to know how wonderful people they are!

I’ve met them 9 years ago, and I heard Tom says once: “… we met 9 years ago, and it seems like we have met you for the whole life…” and now I think those words are so true… Those words meant a lot to me, because he was kind of saying what he feels about us. Margaret said at the Church back in New Hampshire she was glad to have their daughter (me) and her daughter (Dani) at home for Christmas. Derek also said something like: She is our sister, she is visiting! Today I am glad I had them as well. I’ve never felt so supported and never felt someone who is not my own blood takes care of me so much like they all do. They give me support, they give me confidence, they give me advise and they give me love. All of this on top of the material things. Love is what I truly appreciate and keep in my heart.

I guess I’ll always keep saying to them THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU… They must be tired of hearing it but there are no other words to express what I feel about them and about the love they have to my brother who needed them so much, and for us that just appeared one day looking for our boy. Today I gotta say how beautiful people you are!

I’ve never imagined the possibility to “post” ones feelings anywhere, and now that is what I am doing. This post is so personal and it shows my perception and the meaning of the word FAMILY to me, “not always the family that is our blood but the family that can BECOME your blood”

You gave me life – by Eva

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To you:

Things haven’t been perfect, I know. Sometimes I wish I could get to know you more. Even though you’ve been so far away from me for my whole life you’ve never left my heart.

I am sorry if I’ve hurt you, I am aware I am just human. I am sorry I am not the perfect person for you. You’ve gave me life, what a wonderful present that is. You’ve gave me strength, you showed me how to fight and not to give up, not to be afraid, you showed me how to be a person who cares.

You’re a wonderful person, you mean a lot to me. You don’t know how much I’ve loved you cause I haven’t been able to show you the place in my life you’ve owned for all of these years. But today I gotta tell you I LOVE YOU those simple words I say even we have been apart from each other the blood call is something you cannot get away.

I wish I could tell you all what I feel, I wish I could open up my heart for you. Life has placed us where we are but love will never fade away. Like the song goes we’ve been far away and for so long and we couldn’t help it. We’ve grown old and been through so much but I will always be your baby girl I know.

That is me, I am just your daughter even if I don’t look like you at all. I have your blood in my veins and there is something you should know. I will never forget about you cause I love you so much Dad.

A song for you Mom – by Eva

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Every time I listen to this song I think about you Mom, I feel those words are pretty much of what I have inside of me. I really miss you Mom and you haven’t gone anywhere since you are still here in my heart. I love you.

Fade away, fade away, fade away…
You left me with goodbye and open arms
A cut so deep I don’t deserve
Well, you were always invincible in my eyes
The only thing against us now is time
Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you?
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what’s true?
If I only had one more day… fade away
I lie down and blind myself with laughter
Well, a quick fix of hope is what I’m needing
And how I wish that I could turn back the hours
But I know I just don’t have the power
Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you?
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what’s true?
If I only had one more day…..
Well,I’d jump at the chance, We’d drink and we’d dance
And I’d listen close to your every word
As if it’s your last, well I know it’s your last
Cause today, oh, you’re gone
Could it be any harder, fade away
Could it be any harder, fade away
Yeah Could it be any harder to live my life without you?
Could it be any harder?
I’m all alone, I’m all alone
Like sand on my feet, the smell of sweet perfume
You stick to me forever, baby I wish you didn’t go, I wish you didn’t go
I wish you didn’t go away to touch you again, with life in your hands
It couldn’t be any harder.. harder..

The angel sent by God – by Eva

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I’ve heard that God takes something away from you but instead he gives you something back and in my case this is true. When I feel the pain of loosing my mom, I try to see the whole picture. I comfort my self because in the end I know He has a plan, the most perfect plan for all of us. It was hard not having her of course but every time I think about it I can’t but to think about my Grandma, the famous and loved

A women one of a kind / by Eva

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One of the things that really bothered me the most since I lost my mother is the fact that Mom and Dad had kids even though they knew they were at risk and their lives were in danger. I used to wonder: Why if I know my life is in danger would I have children? OK, let’s say that one child is the legacy of the marriage, but two? and then three? I thought that it was irresponsible of them. Especially since they were actually fighting in the field and part of something really difficult in the middle of the war. And again I wondered WHY?

For so long I blamed my parents for our separation. I blamed them for loosing my little brother who I never met. For years and years of seeing my Grandma quietly suffering and for not being there…I guess that is part of the feeling you develop in these situations. I like to think about it as the way I had to comfort myself and to make sense of all the things I didn’t ask for. Non of this made any sense for me during all my childhood. It took years and years for me to understand…

My last birthday, Margaret asked Roberto and I for an interview to talk about my mother. Margaret knows how difficult is for us, specially for me, to talk about all of these things. To remember and open up but I knew she really needed to do that and I agreed. During the interview I tried so hard not to cry. It is always painful to put out my Mom from my heart but there was something Margaret said that made me understand a lot of things that suddenly made sense for me that day: My Mom would never do a thing like this if she wouldn’t has been 100% sure it was the right thing to do! Of course, Margaret was right! And then, everything became so clear to me. In an instant, my daughter Dani came to my mind and I knew why she was doing it and that it was for me, for my brothers, for my family!

Then, I understood that was my Mom’s way to do something for other people and that makes me think about how brave she was since she actually DID something. She didn’t wait to see the change, she WAS the change, the force to make it real. She fought for something she really believed in and I wonder how many of us can do that without hesitation? How many of us can fight for other people just to make a difference? My Mom was a really brave woman. She had determination and in her plans she knew that us (her children, her blood) would have a different opportunity, a chance to be better and improve ourselves, even if that didn’t make any sense at that moment. Perhaps she had a vision of the future that not all the people had back then.

I use to think about me as her living memory since I look a lot like her. I like to think that I am her representation today and let me tell you, that is a huge responsibility because sometimes I am not sure if I am as brave as she was. As strong as she was. As caring and loving as she was but there is something I am sure about. I am so proud to be the daughter of my mother, a women one of a kind…